I Love My Mr. Wrongs for All the RIGHT Reasons

I know what you're thinking, I'm a huge MJB fan but this is not an ode to her hit song "Mr. Wrong, in a sense, just a different meaning.  I know I initially said, "Mr. Wrong, but I realized that I actually had more than one so let me be clear about why I still have love for them.

I know we all have been tuning into "Love and Hip Hop" and we watch Chrissy, Emily, and Kimbella be in love with their Mr. Wrongs throughout the show. For Chrissy, its about loyalty and being with someone for so long, why leave? For Emily, it's loving someone you know is clearly (cuh-learly) wrong but being strong enough to love them enough to leave and let them go, and for Kimbella, it's about loving Mr. Wrong so much, you want to succeed in a relationship doomed for failure in order to have the family you didn't have growing up.  So which one are you?

Everyone won't identify with them but I can pull little things here and there to somewhat see where they are coming from, yet love my Mr. Wrongs, because I've grown strong enough to become intolerant of the treatment, pain, and hurt, I know I do not deserve. 

I have a few Mr. Wrongs.  I don't maintain contact with any of them on a regular basis although there is one that I may talk to every now and again just to shoot the breeze.  I applaud myself for not getting weak at times, but I know I'm stronger than before.  I won't really go into too much detail, but a majority of my relationships ended like most end, with a cheater, a few kids, and a sour conversation.  What I realized is that I will always love them for who they are, however, I love them even more for helping me realize what I don't want in Mr. Right.  You always hear the people say that some people are in your life for a lifetime or a season, or there is a reason they didn't make it to your future, etc. but the importance in all that is to take the lesson from that, turn it into a test, and be successful in its completion. 

You see everything you face after those series of lessons are tests, and its up to you to ace them the next time around or keep failing them until you learn.  As they say, when you know better, you do better and an awesome saying I heard earlier this year was something like "don't take bricks from your past relationship and try to build a new one..."  or something like that. In other words, don't take baggage from your last relationships into your new one, but do, however, take the house you built, tear it down, and build a new one, just use better tools and a new blueprint this time...well that was corny, but anyway, take what you learned and apply it as, what not to do, or what not to like, or warning signs, because you've seen it all before.  And because I've been there done that and have a t-shirt for every baby, baby mama, cheating escapade, and argument ever, I LOVE all my Mr. Wrongs for showing me I can do and deserve better, and I will love and appreciate Mr. Right for everything he is and is not...

Where has all the chivalry gone???

Chivalry, to be honest, when I think about it, I think about a man opening doors for me, holding my hand to help me keep my balance, offering me his coat, etc, however, according to www.merriam-webster.com, chivalry can be defined as distinguished gentlemen, martial valor, gallant, oh and my favorite, customs of medieval knighthood.  In this day and age,  chivalry means just what I interpreted it to be, so why are we always looking for it or wondering if the mere existence of a "real man" really exists?  I associate chivalry and "real man" because with all do respect, in a sense, that's what we really mean.

I won't necessarily say chivalry is dead, because I believe for the most part, if you think it's dead, its because you are dealing or settling for the wrong type of men.  Reason being is chivalry's definition is not too far off of being the same thing that we expect out of a man, and if the men we are dealing with don't possess that quality, then one should ask them self, "Why am I dealing with him?"

Some of us let trends or (pop) culture decide what kind of man we want to date or deal with.  Satisfy what we are looking for initially first, and we'll worry about little things like chivalry later.  That means, look good, dress nice, have your money right first, then I'll either settle for the rest of what your about or try to change you.  However, if that is not what you saw in him in the first place, then don't ask yourself where has chivalry gone or is it dead, it was never there to begin with. 

Trends, culture, TV, media, etc has lead many of us to believe' in some cases, men that actually do what we expect them do, what they should do, or what they are supposed to do, are weak, and we don't want no "punk" as some would call it.  Humph, but after we get dogged, cheated on, disrespected, and beat on, we decide to go look or ask for something a lot if us forgot all about. 

Let me be honest, I have had a few exes that could be a little nice and chivalric on occasion, but sometimes if it was too much, because I wasn't use to it, I wouldn't even know how to act.  However, when I began dating again, I wouldn't really know how to deal with someone who was being kind or "chivalric" without acting, sounding, or responding all ignorant like no one has ever RESPECTED me before.  For some men, when you act like you're all not use to him being nice, respectable, or mannerable, that can be a huge turn off and they really question your judgement in men.  Lets be real, at that point, your judgemnt is very questionable. 

So let's not ask where has the chivalry gone.  If you have to ask that, you don't know what it is.  When you are interacting with someone and their actions show you that they are what you're looking for, they will respect you, and they are kind, then appreciate it, accept it, and welcome it with open arms.  Don't let the shock of realizing chivalry isn't dead make you appear ignorant and definitely don't tell yourself you "don't deserve him" (or it).  Most of us have pasts that taught us lessons we will never forget, especially in friendships, relationships, and in love.  After you have been through it all, the good bad, and the ugly, we are all deserving of any and everything worth having.  Those dues have been paid.

I N D E P E N D E N T... what does that REALLY mean?

So, yes, I had to sing the Webbie/Boosie song to spell it out, none the less, just what does that mean?  Ne-Yo has men chanting, "I love her 'cause she got her own" yet some men can't stand or tolerate an "independent woman".  I won't let Destiny's Child off the hook for "Independent Woman", but I think many of us have misconstrued what independence really is. 

I went to an all girls college so embossed in a lot of the curriculum and convocations was learning how to become a strong black woman who could conquer anything.  Of course, there were some lectures that translated that to pure feminism, but for the most part, I think the message was to be strong, intelligent, and great at what you do as well as be an example for your peers and the young girls that will follow in your footsteps.  However, some of us may have interpreted that.

If you are a close friend, you already know that I have 2 exes with the same nickname.  One is still near and dear to my heart, while the other one, #2 is what we'll call him, showed to be the most controversial. 

We met through a good classmate and friend of mine and while he wasn't my type, I thought I'd try something new to see where it goes, or at least get over my ex.  After long late night conversations, I thought I was getting a strong tough man who would hold me down, instead I got an ambitious, street pharmacist and mama's boy, who by the way, still lived with his mama and slept on her couch to be exact. 

We begin dating, and for the most part he was cool, but it seemed as if his mama did all the talking or should I say dating.  I'd call, she answer, I'm stuck on the phone.  I'd visit, he'd bounce and leave me stuck with his mama.  She'd cook and tell me how to fix his plate. She'd take me shopping also.  That wasn't so bad, but you get the point.  Now I'm not into women, but this was getting out of hand.  Of course, she loved me for her son, I had a college degree from the #1 HBCU in the USA, I dressed and carried myself well, and I was mannerable ("yes mam", "no mam").  She knew everything about me and we talked all the time.  If me and her son argued or fought, she'd fix it. 

However, like many of these situations, this relationship was ended with a lot of cheating and two kids (hint: I have no kids).  I tried to forgive and forget, but my mind (because my heart was really never in it) wouldn't let me move on.  I kept thinking about all the things I did for him as well as my role as his girlfriend, but I just couldn't see where I went wrong.  Even with all the talks and her input in the relationship, his mom said the only thing I could have done wrong was "not let a man be a man."  Now how is that possible when he lives with his mom, on her couch, doesn't pay 'nan bill, and she is taking care of his two kids.  What role could I have possibly had in that, because it sounds like she are blaming me for her mistake?  How could me, having "my own", make him want to lie and cheat on me?  I don't get it.  Then I saw who his baby mama was and I was infuriated.  She was the total opposite of me, living at home, bigger as a house, no job, didn't carry herself well...couldn't even hold a candle to me, and she was absolutely obsessed with him.  She NEEDED him and would do anything for him, like have his two kids.  After finding out who she was, I grew mad and offended.  We remained friends, but I could never ever let him put the girlfriend title on me because there was no way I was putting myself through that, especially after seeing his baby mama...that was the ultimate insult.

Over time, he'd call because he'd have periods of "woe is me" and I was actually kind of glad he was suffering.  She always needed him in some capacity.  Whether it was transportation, money, and NOW, CHILD SUPPORT...she had all these needs for him, and most of all she had his kids, so she was and is forever bound to him.  So I asked myself, "Why her?"  Well for starters, I never made him feel less of a man, but I never defamed his masculinity to tear him down, she did ("You ain't s***", "F*** you, you f*** ass n****, witcho broke ass", etc) especially when I was around and she wasn't getting returned calls or attention.  She adored him, I didn't...I mean I liked him, but he really wasn't all that.  I still held my girlfriend duties down, but I think she did the things I couldn't, or should I say, wouldn't do.  Lastly, she needed him (rides here, money for this, and nine months and 2 kids later, pamper this, similac that).

I had my own...yes, my own car, place, and damn that, he wasn't about to stick me with any kids, I was too smart for that.  After a while, he came to grips with his mistakes and he never let me forget how stupid his mistakes were.  Yes, he got his two beautiful kids out of it, but in his own words, he "lost the best thing he ever had".  Him admitting that, let me know that my independence was never the issue. 

You see, when we parted ways, I cried myself to sleep many nights, but I never let him know it.  When I needed him, he wasn't there, so I coped with it all on my own.  When I healed, the greatest revenge for me, was looking good healed and single, and showing him that I didn't need a guy like him  when I could do better.  It made me wonder, do guys really want a girl that's independent because some of them can't seem to tolerate one.  The sad part is, why am I questioning a guys ability to tolerate my independence, when this one in particular, was living with his mama, rent and bill free.   The same way you want a woman that can do for ourselves, we want the same in a man. 

When I stress independence, that means that I can do for myself and survive on my own, but it really doesn't scream "I don't need a man!"  It screams, "You can depend on me to hold it down and I need you to hold it down as well."  BE a MAN.  I don't think that's too much to ask and I definitely don't think it means, I don't need you.  We (women) just want someone we can depend on...you know...be honest, someone we can trust with our feelings, be our protector andsomeone we can trust, but still know that if you leave us, we may be groken-hearted for a little while, but we won't be broken to the point where we would need you more than we need our friends, family, or the good Lord himself.  Why, you ask?  Because we couldn't depend on you.  That's what I think independent means. 

My independence earn me the best compliment and healing I could ever have, #2 let me know he was wrong and he needed an independent woman like me (I guess because I don't need him near as much as the baby mama does) and also helped me to understand that there is nothing wrong with being independent as long as your significant other knows you can still depend on him to be the man he's supposed to be. That's one of the happy endings in this.  The other is hearing sob stories of how #2 is suffering and being glad I'm not the girlfriend who has to deal with it.

It's funny now because the more I think about my interactions with his mother, she was never really helping me with my independence, but she was molding to be like her for her son...tolerate all the things she does.  Disrespect, no ambition, and bossiness have never been tolerable so I guess I wasn't cut out for the part.  My mom, however, always told me to work hard and be independent, so I never had to depend on a man.  She is a single parent, so now I understand that to mean learn how to live on your own, and if you even get a man or get married, that's fine, but know that if that ends, you know how to survive on your own.  That's the part I'm cut out for and one day someone will love, respect, and adore me for it...me AND my I N D E P E N D E N C E.

Don't Show Up to the Audition, If You're Not Ready for the Part...

With it being a new year, I vowed to myself, that I wouldn’t make any resolutions.  Not because I knew I wouldn’t adhere to them, but because I felt as if I was claiming something for myself, that I am not ready to possess.  At 27, for me, that’s a little disheartening, but hey, the truth hurts.  Every year most of us vow to lose weight, become financially stable, and not end the year single…Wait, maybe that’s just me, BUT LET ME JUST BE REAL WITH MYSELF…I am really not doing anything to accomplish any of those things at this very moment.  My conclusion…maybe I am not ready. 

So we already established that we can be our own biggest inhibitor when it comes to finding happiness...  Humph…how do we inhibit ourselves???? ONE, we cast ourselves in peoples lives, but we never get starring role.  I always say I want to be a star, but I keep bombing my auditions...
Discussion, why do we do boyfriend-girlfriend things with people that do not intend on being just that, or do they?  We will “kick it”, “chill”, “go out with”, and “boo up” with anyone and have expectations, but we won’t be vocal about them.  Why?  I, for one, would like to think that any person that I do these things with, would have sense enough to understand just how long I’ve been single, and that I almost always want more.  Wait, but that’s asking one to be psychic or to be able to read minds.  I’d be vocal about it, but what would he think?  I’m too cute to be rejected, so some things are better left unsaid.  Why should I be vocal about it?  He should know, OR if he wanted it to be more than something else, why hasn’t he said or done something? 

Case and point? If you let it go on for so long without any expectations, how can you expect them to be open to change?  They have already gotten accustomed to doing just what’s been the norm.  Probably even looking for someone else who will be vocal about their needs and not someone who wants to just be a “boo thang” as you have been.  Sadly, that’s what hurts the most, since that may have been what you have always wanted, but who knew?  Definitely, not him.  Secondly, anyone that you have allowed to play such roles and take up your time will continue to do just that, but who has time to waste these days?  I spent at least a good year wasting time, but I feel that nothing is more valuable to me than my time, and it WILL not continue to be wasted.  So let me vocalize what I expect out of a person so my time will not be wasted on the wrong things and most definitely not the wrong people.  So you can hold auditions if you'd like, just make sure someone eventually gets the part or you will always have these potential shows but no syndication...maybe I'll elaborate on my shows later...it gets better...

The Best Is Yet To Come...

My first time REALLY blogging, so I won't give you all of the good stuff in one dose... I mean as the title goes, "The Best Is Yet To Come."  One of the first quotes I heard more than a few times at the start of the year was "Get out of your OWN way".  While some of you will read that line and be dumbfounded by the interpretation, its actually quite simple... stop hindering yourself from experiencing happiness.  While many of us blame randomness on why we can't be happy, one can only wonder what we can do ourselves to ensure that even the random stuff won't stop the show. 

I can name a few things I myself do to hinder my own happiness, but I'll admit, that it's an on going work in progress.  I decided the best way to approach getting out of my own way is to first start by blogging about my experiences.  ONE, because I know we could all use a good laugh, and TWO, because we can all learn from each other in some way shape or form.  So we will start 2014 off by thinking about the things we do to hinder us from being truly happy...my promise to myself is to be open and honest with everyone.  People seem to value my thoughts and opinion so it's the least I could do.

First step to being honest is admitting a flaw, a flaw that everyone knows your have, but you are not willing to admit...

My first admission...I joke about everything because its too much pressure and work to be serious about anything...a flaw in itself because soon others will always think you are a joke and never take you or your feelings seriously when you want them too...sort of like, laugh at my pain, but no not really... See, for me, joking is way of me getting my thoughts out without there having to be a disclaimer to tread lightly on my feelings...lets laugh about it rather than have a moment.  However, it seems like I need little less laughter and more "moments".  So I will attribute this year and time to being open to see what kind of results that yields...hopefully it won't out put too much of a damper on my comical sarcasm. 

Now that I have confessed something, what will you confess to yourself...you know...take the first step to becoming a better you...???