So, after a long day of nothingness...meaningless Facebook posts, sharing countless memes, LUNCH...stuffing envelopes, 5 o'clock came...and then I got home. I sat in my car as I do on MANY days. Wanting to get out, but then not caring if I got out of my car or if I just sat there for 5 more minutes thinking. Thinking that the best thinking I do, is in my car. Although I live alone and spend a lot of time by myself, the more serene time for me is in my car. It's even more serene when I am sitting in a parked car people watching, making up my own stories about people and their lives, and sometimes I devise a story for their pets, children, and friends as well. I can't help but think that they are probably so much more interesting than me. I guess. So it's been 2 years since I've blogged and I think 5 years since I even started. I keep coming back to it when I go through one of my stages. I somehow hope that one day when I've written my last blog, that it will be a best seller for some and a how to for others, or a how NOT to, but it may be nothing and I am OK with that. But I can't help but to think of what brought me back to my online diary in the first place. Especially since the last 2 years since I have even visited, have come and gone, and to be honest, not much has changed. I think that is the part that makes me the most disappointed and that's mainly my flaw in allowing it go on so long. I've been just living life without even knowing how I should live my own life. Living my life vicariously through others, scared to do the things I see other's doing because my history of disappointments. Is this life? The last time I even felt remotely the same was about 6 years ago, and I remember assessing my situation at the time and developing a new goal for myself, only to get to this day where I feel as if I haven't even begun to try and achieve it, so I sat back and thought, "What now, Ashellie?"
I've spent countless days and holidays waiting on that moment when my life would change or when I would do something really cool and things would take off..NOPE, nothing yet...I've watch other people's life completely change some for better, some for worse, and some who have said "for better or for worse," only to discover I put these immeasurable life events versus my own and it only made things worse. It seems as if I expected things to happen in my life with little effort or at least because I felt it was time, whatever that time is. It is enough to drive a person absolutely insane. The only reason I haven't lost what little sanity I have is because I still have hope that I will figure it out. Even at 30 something, I still have no plans for my life because I am not even sure of what I want or need. Someone could ask me what I want to do and my answer would be "I don't know...I just want to make a lot of money, travel the world, and live life," but that still screams absolutely nothing because I still haven't answered the question.
I have this idea of what I should be doing which is having some type of family, coming home to a house where my suitcase is not in the middle of the floor and to the company of someone I absolutely adore, and the thought makes me feel so optimistic for the joy of cliche life, yet I can't even see it being a realistic thought...even for myself. It's like being lonely and hating it, but liking to be alone. I enjoy the confines of my home when I have absolutely nothing to do, but then when told "...You can do that, because you don't have a family to worry about..." it makes me rethink whether or not I like the solitary confinement that I call my current situation. I love it but then I don't or maybe I don't know. The hardest part of it all is not knowing, but having someone point out what they think is your flaw. It kind of keeps you in that limbo where you don't know what you do or don't want, because everyone is telling you what you should have.
When I relocated myself, the idea was not to be the person that stayed at home all the time, although that is the type of person I am. The idea was to find the life I am supposed to have, whatever that may be. It, in return, has made me the most disappointed because I haven't achieved all that I think I should have. Everything has been disappointing from the people to the "frineds" to the optimism that was that no longer
is. However, the moral in all this is still up for debate...The best I can do is continue to live life and find a hobby until I figure it out.
