S-I-N-G-L-E-L-I-F-E: Do You Know What That Means?

S-I-N-G-L-E-L-I-F-E coincides with I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.  If you scream one or the other too loud, you will get one or the other in return.  When you're single, you learn to be independent, and when you're independent, you somehow find yourself, single, especially if you are a woman.

You see someone like myself, single, although some may beg to differ, but mentally, I am very much single, I like to be independent.  It doesn't necessarily mean that I cannot be dependent on someone else, but often times than not, I find myself, let down or disappointed in someone that I thought I could depend on.  If not that, the one that I thought I could depend on, usually depends on me.  So some time in my life, I feel like I should be able to find a happy medium in someone.  I think.

What's funny is, when people meet someone so independent and single like myself, they ask the cliche question of "Why?".  A part of me wants to scream that if you have to ask why, you probably wouldn't understand.  Matter of fact, why ask why?  I mean if I am single and you are trying to get to know me, what difference does it make if I am single?  Wait, perhaps if I tell you I am single because I killed my ex, then I could understand why you asked, but if all is still well, be glad I am entertaining you.  Asking someone why are they single is like opening the door to the past and the past stories a lot of men claim they don't want to know about, especially on the first encounter.

Women, have you noticed that if you don't ask a man whether or not he is single, he will either lie about it anyway or not disclose that information unless you ask.  Otherwise, whether you are single are not, unless you ask them, they won't tell.  Something like "don't ask don't tell..." but I digress.

If  we are as beautiful as we look and as witty as we seem, men are either intimidated by it or they like it.  Many of the single women in my position don't choose to be single, but would love for someone to understand who they are and what their standards are.  I am not saying that everyone should be in some type of relationship, but when you are single, smart, beautiful, and in some cases, childless, it makes you more of a risk to men than you think because they almost think you are crazy or that something is wrong with you.  In my experience, get to know the men and after a few months, you will find out what's really wrong...with them.  I wear my "single" badge proudly, but I don't always compliment it or drown it out with my independence and self reliance, a lot of us don't.  I guess when men can see that you are independent, they misunderstand the entire situation.  It be like that sometimes...when you're living single... :-) 

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole...

So it's been a hot minute since I have blogged about anything worth telling the whole world about, but not too much has transpired in that time, just a lot of learning in progress.  So the title goes, "Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole".  If you have any sense of where I'm going, then you can kind of figure out where I am going with this.

There will come a time when you realize that your life is like a puzzle.  You will try out a whole bunch of pieces to see what fits into place and what will not go.  The key to it all, is trying not to force a piece that doesn't belong.  A lot of us find ourselves doing that from time to time.  Whether it's trying to "turn a hoe into a housewife" or trying to "turn a thug or a scrub into Cliff Huxtable", some things just are meant to be.

In our lifetime, we waste our time, money, and air space on people who are just not worth any of it.  Love can overshadow that and cause us to put all of our energy into something or someone who doesn't see your effort of recognize your love as such.  They will drain you by taking advantage and change your entire perspective on love, life, and relationships.  That is a lot of power or control for someone so insignificant to have in your life.  Sometimes, they will realize what they have done, the pain they have caused, and the problems they have left unresolved, but what you will find is that these things are not worth resolving with someone who has already wasted your time.

All that in laments terms means, "why in the hell do we waste our time on selfish, sorry, busted individuals all in the name of love?"  Why?  Why?  WHY?  A lot of us think they have super natural (human) powers and that you can change or transform someone into the ideal friend, mate, lover, etc, when realistically, I have learned, that the only difference between someone at one age and another (i.e. 17 and 27) is simply the time that lapse in between.  Some may call me wrong, but if someone shows you how they are at one point, then chances are, years later, they are still the same person and the only thing that may be subject to change is their income (or lack there of), number of friends (or lack there of), and the number of kids (and baby daddies/mamas) they have.  Their personalities, character, and attitudes, however, are still the same.  They just got more experience in being even more wrong then they were before.

The moral to the story, you can't help anyone who doesn't want your help.  The only thing that can change is you letting them see that they have not broken you and they no longer have the control or their will in your life anymore.  The best revenge, of course, is being successful while they still maintain their ways.  All that will get them is what it has gotten them in the past, NOTHING, NO ONE, and they will go NOWHERE.   Let the people on their level have them.  That's the best gift you can give anyone undeserving of your goodness, your good deeds, your graciousness, and more importantly, your good heart.

Gone for a minute...

So I have been gone for a minute, but I got a brief wind of inspiration (when one of my followers advised me that they were missing my stories).  A lot of my stories stem from my personal experiences and I sometimes have to get to a point where I am ready to let the world know of my mistakes.  I preached on so much when it comes to relationships, being single, etc. and I am a little embarrassed by the most recent story, but hey, like to hear it? Hear it goes...

I reconnected with an old friend after 10 years.  Why in the world did I do that?  You'd think that after 10 years, most people would have progressed from 17 to 27.  I was so wrong.  Of course, the plight of the black woman would be claim independence and state your position with a man after being single for so long (i.e. must not have kids, debt, drama, etc.).  The problem is, finding a black man of that caliber is almost non-existent.  I know, that's sad.  So being that this "old friend" had 2 of the 3 issues, the next plight of the black woman is to negotiate her standards because some men can function despite their personal problems or trials.  When a man can juggle his past life (kids, baby mama, etc.) with his new life, new girlfriend, no kids, etc, that can be extremely flattering to us women.  But when you can't even juggle the combination you've now accepted, it becomes a huge problem and an emotional roller coaster.

It begins with "I need me a good woman...I'm ready."  Me being the flexible person that I am, despite the pickings of men we all think are available, I tried my best to make things work.  Now I work, have no kids, and I live in another town, but I was making time to make things right because I care just that much.  When it's your turn, the set back is, "I got to see about my kids..." "Can't leave town because of probation..." "Got to go to court because of child support..." Now, there is nothing wrong with that (Psych!!!!), but after 2 or 3 times of being put dead last to everything in your life (when you have no real life), I can only wonder if you really want what you think you're ready for, or are you just testing me and my patience to see how long I can deal before I lose my cool. 

Long story short, I never want a man to have choose between his girlfriend (wife) and kids, but as a single woman with no kids, how many times do I allow you to let me down with all your other issues on top of having KIDS, before I decide I've had enough.  Maybe as a single woman, I don't have the same obligations as you do, but I know we already sacrifice a lot to deal with others' baggage.  It just seems so unfair when you are not bringing any baggage into the situation.  I unpacked all my baggage only to make room for you, your baggage, and your U-haul truck of on going issues (child support, kids, PROBATION).  One has to wonder, how many standards of mine, did I really compromise? 

I realize that was a recipe that was never going to be flavorful or one with taste.  A recipe that no one would ever want seconds or thirds of.  After talking with a few sistas this weekend, apparently I am far from alone in my struggle.  Come to find out, many women have characterized this as "a sign of the times" or "the last days", if you will.  Is this really a for real, for real sign of the APOCALYPSE.  So I can't get one good man, boyfriend, husband, or start one family before the good Lord calls us all home? 

Reality check...

Better late than never...

So this strangest thing happened...I'm chilling over my friend's house when I get a call from a known but unknown number.  That means it came from a city I'm a very familiar with, a small city, but I was not sure what to expect or who to expect on the other end.  My younger cousin, Dee, greets me and tells to me to hold on someone wants to speak to me.  My cousin has the cutest baby I've ever seen and from time to time, she'll call to let her baby babble on the phone a couple of minutes with me, so I get ready to say "Hey DJ" when I hear a more mature voice instead.  A voice I knew all too well and haven't heard in almost 10 years.  I was a little caught of guard, but the way things ended between me and him, I wanted to hear what he had to say. 

So let me explain...I was 17 and the local club had teen nights during our school breaks.  I had just gotten out of a relationship with my first love (so I thought he was) so me and my friends decide to go hangout.  We end up having a good time, although I have never really been a clubber, but I enjoyed myself.  We also ended up meeting a group of guys, country boys, if you will, well dressed with that country slang that we love in the south.  I was quick with my guard because I was still tending an "open wound" and I really wasn't up for meeting any new people, but my best friend at the time convinced me to try and move on.  So we struck up a friendship with these guys and ultimately me and my friend both paired off with somebody.  I paired off with a popular basketball player, who was cute, funny, and just always kept me laughing.  He seemed to be just what I needed at the time.  We quickly became "friends" and I found myself risking punishment every weekend just to be in his presence.  I knew he was too good to be true, but I still went "all in" because I wanted it to work.  Ultimately, however, reality set in.  We were just kids, and he was too "wanted" to be with an average girl like me...I ended up hearing rumors that he was hanging out with other girls and all those nights he left me datelss began to make sense.  Within 6 months, my heart was broken again, and I found myself leaving for college hurt, depressed, and shocked. 

I mean, I made it through with the help of an unlikely friend, which is a WHOLE other blog, but I was still tending an open wound, because I never got closure.  I just cut things off amd we went our separate ways...OK I ended up in the arms of one of his cousins, by coincidence, definitely not out of spite, but I still had an open chapter in my book, that needed to be closed. 

Here we are, nearly 10 years later on the phone for the first time and his first words were, "I'm sorry."  I know, cliche, and even more, who cares, I mean 10 years have passed and a whole lot of other stuff has gone down since, me and him.  I tried not be standoffish and he soften me a little, but I'm still somewhat in shock that I am even blogging this today, because I never would have guessed it. 

I realized at the time that I loved him, but after 10 years, the grudge boat had defimitely sailed, I mean, WE WERE  KIDS.  I know somewhere there's sign that says "Proceed with Caution" but I definitely know that the apology had to happen for a reason.  That old saying "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone".  No truer words have ever been spoken.  This whole thing taught me that despite any ulterior motive he may have (he's got to have one, I'm not dumb or am I overreacting?), but any who, I learned that I went through a lot of things in those 10 years and all of that has afforded me the strength  and ability to forgive DESPITE the circumstances.  If I didn't take anything away from that apology, I took that.  That alone is enough to justify everything I been through worth the while.  Another stitch in my heart is healed until next time....

Ashellie was a rolling stone...

Yes, Ashellie was (is) a rolling stone, where ever she parks her car was (is) her home.  I am going somewhere with this, the questions is where.  All I want to do is be happy, enjoy my life, and do what I want, and every plan I devise to accomplish that, is some how staggered by reality.  So in 6 years, I moved about 8 times.  If you asked me to list all my previous addresses, I probably couldn't accomplish that without pulling a public record or a credit report.  If anyone asked me why so many moves, my answer would be a plethora things...hate my job, boring life, didn't like the place as much as I thought, or just plain bored all around.

Why, oh why can't I just live my life and be happy?  I haven't put too much thought in my answer just yet.  I mean, if I wanted to bore everyone with my life story, I could find about 5 roots to this problem, but I guess I won't bother with it today.  All I know is that the car is about to get packed up and I'm about to roll on to yet another destination until I can find this happiness or this life, I believe I'm in search of.  Don't ask me why I'm moving on, don't try to make me stay, consider this another dot on my connect the dot puzzle of a life that will be complete once I feel I'm done.  Wish me luck, pray for me, or if anything,just be glad I'm trying to find myself...I think, we'll see.

Another Urban Legend...

So, this blog can go anywhere, so where will I take it today?  Let's talk about the title, "Another Urban Legend"...that can mean a variety of things, however, what it means today is that marriage, I think, is just another urban legend.  Why?

I have a few happily married friends, and I'm actually quite happy for them.  However, I am haunted about this joke I keep hearing on the radio along the lines of, "Why don't black women get married?"  Although, I'm not married, I can't help but to think as to why it's just us "black women" who aren't marrying.  Isn't the marriage rate at an all time low for almost everyone despite race?  Heck, we all have enough problems of our own, that we should be marrying for economic reasons, but no one wants to deal with each other or each other's problems these days, and who can blame them?  Furthermore, doesn't it take two people to get married, so shouldn't the question be rephrased? 

Lets address a few reasons why hardly anyone is getting married these days (except the gays, they may just be in more stable relationships...some Christians are going to hate me for that, but it's becoming truer everyday).  First, a lot of people, "friends", and or associates are getting all the benefits of a relationship without having a title (not even a boyfriend, girlfriend, domestic partnership, etc).  Just living together and being accepting of that.  Can't blame them, for some people, titles bring out the worse in them.  My conclusion is that placing a title on something sets the expectation that one must live up to and mentally, they are not ready to, but they will "practice" all day long.  You can practice all you want, just know that if you continue to practice and never make it in a game, someone else will be drafted and therefore, start in your place, leaving you on the bench or traded to another team (at that point, team has a lot of interpretations; single, lonely, looking, or settle, all teams that will forever have openings). 

Secondly, another reason, I feel people don't marry is because of this new craze going around called "act like a woman, but think like a man".  Who does that?  Now what real man wants someone who acts like them and since when did all men think alike?  Can you "think like a woman, but act like a man"?  For me, that would be perfect, but again, who defines what what's a man standard actions and even still, why in the hell would you want to act like one?  Ugghhh, but I will have to marinate on the significance of this new craze for a while and get back to you.

Finally, another reason that people aren't marrying is because the foundation in which they are building their so-called relationships are already flawed.  Some of us, again, have been through so much drama, that you just don't feel like being bothered with it unless you have to, but who wants to?  We have all had enough drama that we're trying to get drafted for team drama free.  Its hard these days to avoid drama, such a baby mama's/daddies, kids, mama's boys/daddie's girls, and crazy exes.  It's almost disheartening for this thing called love, because nothing is worth all the drama, so it seems.  What I've realized is that you have to prioritize what you want, how you want someone to make you feel, and what you can and cannot tolerate, because everyone always comes with some type of drama, including ourselves.  The fact of the matter is, you have to analyze what you want out of a relationship, set the expectation, and roll with it.  Be cognizant of what's going on and be up front with your needs.  Maybe then the drama will be the small price to pay for your ultimate happiness, your strong foundation, and maybe the blueprint for your future marriage...maybe.

I'm the type you dream about...

I was going to blog about something different but then I thought I'd share a funny little story instead.  It's the eve of Valentines day, everyone is mourning Whitney, and worst of all, its Monday, and I'm on my way to work.  Well as we all know, exes get weird this time of year.  They either don't have anything better to do, or they just want to see where your head is at (of course the day before the "loveliest" day of the year).

I decide to check my phone and the ex love of my life (now we haven't seen each other or dated in 5 years) decides to text me frantically saying "Good, Morning!"  Of course my response had to be something whitty yet cold, so I say, "...You must've text me by accident?"  His reply went on to say "No, I had a dream about you...lol. I had a dream that you were pregnant...I woke up mad as hell..."  Now this is the dream coming from someone who managed to somehow bring 3 kids in this world while we were together without me.  I wanted to say, "Well let me tell you about this nightmare I had.  I had a dream that my boyfriend of 6 years (on and off) got another girl pregnant and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, after I fell back asleep, I was awaken by yet another nightmare.  This time, you had not one child, but somehow two and three miraculously got here and this time, you didn't have a job on top of all that.  I managed to fall back asleep, but again I woke up screaming, because this time, not only did you 3 kids and no job, but you had 3 kids, no job, and a rude side chick calling my phone.  So I managed to cry myself back to sleep, but I was interupted again, by yet another dream.  This time I had a dream that I was balling my eyes out crying in a corner because my dreams were really my reality.  I then had an out of body experience, because I saw myself crying, all balled up in a corner, over an old cheating, no good, unemployed, baby daddy.  After I saw myself, my real self came to the realization, that I must be out my damn mind to be on my knees crying over someone who obviously didn't give a monkey's @$$ about me.  So I picked myself up, got my mind, and my thoughts together, left you and here we are today."  True story.

OK, so that's what I wanted to say, but I'm sure that he didn't deserve all this held in hatred for him a whole 5 years later, I should have let him have it then when it meant something, not now, right?  So to ease his mind I just replied, "Well, I'm not anywhere close to being pregnant (maybe a little jiggly but not pregnant), however, if I was, and it was yours, now that, THAT would be my nightmare...hahahaha."  -___-

I find it humorous and both flattering, that my exes seem to still think and dream about me.  I mean I think about them, but only when I feel a certain way, hear a certain song, or tell a story, but I refuse to let them ruin my dreams.  I am trying to dream about being blessed with a real man, one who knows what he has and CAN HAVE with me, and not one who just dreams about it.  I am the real deal, always have been, always will be, ask my exes, because they still DREAM about me.

I Love My Mr. Wrongs for All the RIGHT Reasons

I know what you're thinking, I'm a huge MJB fan but this is not an ode to her hit song "Mr. Wrong, in a sense, just a different meaning.  I know I initially said, "Mr. Wrong, but I realized that I actually had more than one so let me be clear about why I still have love for them.

I know we all have been tuning into "Love and Hip Hop" and we watch Chrissy, Emily, and Kimbella be in love with their Mr. Wrongs throughout the show. For Chrissy, its about loyalty and being with someone for so long, why leave? For Emily, it's loving someone you know is clearly (cuh-learly) wrong but being strong enough to love them enough to leave and let them go, and for Kimbella, it's about loving Mr. Wrong so much, you want to succeed in a relationship doomed for failure in order to have the family you didn't have growing up.  So which one are you?

Everyone won't identify with them but I can pull little things here and there to somewhat see where they are coming from, yet love my Mr. Wrongs, because I've grown strong enough to become intolerant of the treatment, pain, and hurt, I know I do not deserve. 

I have a few Mr. Wrongs.  I don't maintain contact with any of them on a regular basis although there is one that I may talk to every now and again just to shoot the breeze.  I applaud myself for not getting weak at times, but I know I'm stronger than before.  I won't really go into too much detail, but a majority of my relationships ended like most end, with a cheater, a few kids, and a sour conversation.  What I realized is that I will always love them for who they are, however, I love them even more for helping me realize what I don't want in Mr. Right.  You always hear the people say that some people are in your life for a lifetime or a season, or there is a reason they didn't make it to your future, etc. but the importance in all that is to take the lesson from that, turn it into a test, and be successful in its completion. 

You see everything you face after those series of lessons are tests, and its up to you to ace them the next time around or keep failing them until you learn.  As they say, when you know better, you do better and an awesome saying I heard earlier this year was something like "don't take bricks from your past relationship and try to build a new one..."  or something like that. In other words, don't take baggage from your last relationships into your new one, but do, however, take the house you built, tear it down, and build a new one, just use better tools and a new blueprint this time...well that was corny, but anyway, take what you learned and apply it as, what not to do, or what not to like, or warning signs, because you've seen it all before.  And because I've been there done that and have a t-shirt for every baby, baby mama, cheating escapade, and argument ever, I LOVE all my Mr. Wrongs for showing me I can do and deserve better, and I will love and appreciate Mr. Right for everything he is and is not...

Where has all the chivalry gone???

Chivalry, to be honest, when I think about it, I think about a man opening doors for me, holding my hand to help me keep my balance, offering me his coat, etc, however, according to www.merriam-webster.com, chivalry can be defined as distinguished gentlemen, martial valor, gallant, oh and my favorite, customs of medieval knighthood.  In this day and age,  chivalry means just what I interpreted it to be, so why are we always looking for it or wondering if the mere existence of a "real man" really exists?  I associate chivalry and "real man" because with all do respect, in a sense, that's what we really mean.

I won't necessarily say chivalry is dead, because I believe for the most part, if you think it's dead, its because you are dealing or settling for the wrong type of men.  Reason being is chivalry's definition is not too far off of being the same thing that we expect out of a man, and if the men we are dealing with don't possess that quality, then one should ask them self, "Why am I dealing with him?"

Some of us let trends or (pop) culture decide what kind of man we want to date or deal with.  Satisfy what we are looking for initially first, and we'll worry about little things like chivalry later.  That means, look good, dress nice, have your money right first, then I'll either settle for the rest of what your about or try to change you.  However, if that is not what you saw in him in the first place, then don't ask yourself where has chivalry gone or is it dead, it was never there to begin with. 

Trends, culture, TV, media, etc has lead many of us to believe' in some cases, men that actually do what we expect them do, what they should do, or what they are supposed to do, are weak, and we don't want no "punk" as some would call it.  Humph, but after we get dogged, cheated on, disrespected, and beat on, we decide to go look or ask for something a lot if us forgot all about. 

Let me be honest, I have had a few exes that could be a little nice and chivalric on occasion, but sometimes if it was too much, because I wasn't use to it, I wouldn't even know how to act.  However, when I began dating again, I wouldn't really know how to deal with someone who was being kind or "chivalric" without acting, sounding, or responding all ignorant like no one has ever RESPECTED me before.  For some men, when you act like you're all not use to him being nice, respectable, or mannerable, that can be a huge turn off and they really question your judgement in men.  Lets be real, at that point, your judgemnt is very questionable. 

So let's not ask where has the chivalry gone.  If you have to ask that, you don't know what it is.  When you are interacting with someone and their actions show you that they are what you're looking for, they will respect you, and they are kind, then appreciate it, accept it, and welcome it with open arms.  Don't let the shock of realizing chivalry isn't dead make you appear ignorant and definitely don't tell yourself you "don't deserve him" (or it).  Most of us have pasts that taught us lessons we will never forget, especially in friendships, relationships, and in love.  After you have been through it all, the good bad, and the ugly, we are all deserving of any and everything worth having.  Those dues have been paid.

I N D E P E N D E N T... what does that REALLY mean?

So, yes, I had to sing the Webbie/Boosie song to spell it out, none the less, just what does that mean?  Ne-Yo has men chanting, "I love her 'cause she got her own" yet some men can't stand or tolerate an "independent woman".  I won't let Destiny's Child off the hook for "Independent Woman", but I think many of us have misconstrued what independence really is. 

I went to an all girls college so embossed in a lot of the curriculum and convocations was learning how to become a strong black woman who could conquer anything.  Of course, there were some lectures that translated that to pure feminism, but for the most part, I think the message was to be strong, intelligent, and great at what you do as well as be an example for your peers and the young girls that will follow in your footsteps.  However, some of us may have interpreted that.

If you are a close friend, you already know that I have 2 exes with the same nickname.  One is still near and dear to my heart, while the other one, #2 is what we'll call him, showed to be the most controversial. 

We met through a good classmate and friend of mine and while he wasn't my type, I thought I'd try something new to see where it goes, or at least get over my ex.  After long late night conversations, I thought I was getting a strong tough man who would hold me down, instead I got an ambitious, street pharmacist and mama's boy, who by the way, still lived with his mama and slept on her couch to be exact. 

We begin dating, and for the most part he was cool, but it seemed as if his mama did all the talking or should I say dating.  I'd call, she answer, I'm stuck on the phone.  I'd visit, he'd bounce and leave me stuck with his mama.  She'd cook and tell me how to fix his plate. She'd take me shopping also.  That wasn't so bad, but you get the point.  Now I'm not into women, but this was getting out of hand.  Of course, she loved me for her son, I had a college degree from the #1 HBCU in the USA, I dressed and carried myself well, and I was mannerable ("yes mam", "no mam").  She knew everything about me and we talked all the time.  If me and her son argued or fought, she'd fix it. 

However, like many of these situations, this relationship was ended with a lot of cheating and two kids (hint: I have no kids).  I tried to forgive and forget, but my mind (because my heart was really never in it) wouldn't let me move on.  I kept thinking about all the things I did for him as well as my role as his girlfriend, but I just couldn't see where I went wrong.  Even with all the talks and her input in the relationship, his mom said the only thing I could have done wrong was "not let a man be a man."  Now how is that possible when he lives with his mom, on her couch, doesn't pay 'nan bill, and she is taking care of his two kids.  What role could I have possibly had in that, because it sounds like she are blaming me for her mistake?  How could me, having "my own", make him want to lie and cheat on me?  I don't get it.  Then I saw who his baby mama was and I was infuriated.  She was the total opposite of me, living at home, bigger as a house, no job, didn't carry herself well...couldn't even hold a candle to me, and she was absolutely obsessed with him.  She NEEDED him and would do anything for him, like have his two kids.  After finding out who she was, I grew mad and offended.  We remained friends, but I could never ever let him put the girlfriend title on me because there was no way I was putting myself through that, especially after seeing his baby mama...that was the ultimate insult.

Over time, he'd call because he'd have periods of "woe is me" and I was actually kind of glad he was suffering.  She always needed him in some capacity.  Whether it was transportation, money, and NOW, CHILD SUPPORT...she had all these needs for him, and most of all she had his kids, so she was and is forever bound to him.  So I asked myself, "Why her?"  Well for starters, I never made him feel less of a man, but I never defamed his masculinity to tear him down, she did ("You ain't s***", "F*** you, you f*** ass n****, witcho broke ass", etc) especially when I was around and she wasn't getting returned calls or attention.  She adored him, I didn't...I mean I liked him, but he really wasn't all that.  I still held my girlfriend duties down, but I think she did the things I couldn't, or should I say, wouldn't do.  Lastly, she needed him (rides here, money for this, and nine months and 2 kids later, pamper this, similac that).

I had my own...yes, my own car, place, and damn that, he wasn't about to stick me with any kids, I was too smart for that.  After a while, he came to grips with his mistakes and he never let me forget how stupid his mistakes were.  Yes, he got his two beautiful kids out of it, but in his own words, he "lost the best thing he ever had".  Him admitting that, let me know that my independence was never the issue. 

You see, when we parted ways, I cried myself to sleep many nights, but I never let him know it.  When I needed him, he wasn't there, so I coped with it all on my own.  When I healed, the greatest revenge for me, was looking good healed and single, and showing him that I didn't need a guy like him  when I could do better.  It made me wonder, do guys really want a girl that's independent because some of them can't seem to tolerate one.  The sad part is, why am I questioning a guys ability to tolerate my independence, when this one in particular, was living with his mama, rent and bill free.   The same way you want a woman that can do for ourselves, we want the same in a man. 

When I stress independence, that means that I can do for myself and survive on my own, but it really doesn't scream "I don't need a man!"  It screams, "You can depend on me to hold it down and I need you to hold it down as well."  BE a MAN.  I don't think that's too much to ask and I definitely don't think it means, I don't need you.  We (women) just want someone we can depend on...you know...be honest, someone we can trust with our feelings, be our protector andsomeone we can trust, but still know that if you leave us, we may be groken-hearted for a little while, but we won't be broken to the point where we would need you more than we need our friends, family, or the good Lord himself.  Why, you ask?  Because we couldn't depend on you.  That's what I think independent means. 

My independence earn me the best compliment and healing I could ever have, #2 let me know he was wrong and he needed an independent woman like me (I guess because I don't need him near as much as the baby mama does) and also helped me to understand that there is nothing wrong with being independent as long as your significant other knows you can still depend on him to be the man he's supposed to be. That's one of the happy endings in this.  The other is hearing sob stories of how #2 is suffering and being glad I'm not the girlfriend who has to deal with it.

It's funny now because the more I think about my interactions with his mother, she was never really helping me with my independence, but she was molding to be like her for her son...tolerate all the things she does.  Disrespect, no ambition, and bossiness have never been tolerable so I guess I wasn't cut out for the part.  My mom, however, always told me to work hard and be independent, so I never had to depend on a man.  She is a single parent, so now I understand that to mean learn how to live on your own, and if you even get a man or get married, that's fine, but know that if that ends, you know how to survive on your own.  That's the part I'm cut out for and one day someone will love, respect, and adore me for it...me AND my I N D E P E N D E N C E.

Don't Show Up to the Audition, If You're Not Ready for the Part...

With it being a new year, I vowed to myself, that I wouldn’t make any resolutions.  Not because I knew I wouldn’t adhere to them, but because I felt as if I was claiming something for myself, that I am not ready to possess.  At 27, for me, that’s a little disheartening, but hey, the truth hurts.  Every year most of us vow to lose weight, become financially stable, and not end the year single…Wait, maybe that’s just me, BUT LET ME JUST BE REAL WITH MYSELF…I am really not doing anything to accomplish any of those things at this very moment.  My conclusion…maybe I am not ready. 

So we already established that we can be our own biggest inhibitor when it comes to finding happiness...  Humph…how do we inhibit ourselves???? ONE, we cast ourselves in peoples lives, but we never get starring role.  I always say I want to be a star, but I keep bombing my auditions...
Discussion, why do we do boyfriend-girlfriend things with people that do not intend on being just that, or do they?  We will “kick it”, “chill”, “go out with”, and “boo up” with anyone and have expectations, but we won’t be vocal about them.  Why?  I, for one, would like to think that any person that I do these things with, would have sense enough to understand just how long I’ve been single, and that I almost always want more.  Wait, but that’s asking one to be psychic or to be able to read minds.  I’d be vocal about it, but what would he think?  I’m too cute to be rejected, so some things are better left unsaid.  Why should I be vocal about it?  He should know, OR if he wanted it to be more than something else, why hasn’t he said or done something? 

Case and point? If you let it go on for so long without any expectations, how can you expect them to be open to change?  They have already gotten accustomed to doing just what’s been the norm.  Probably even looking for someone else who will be vocal about their needs and not someone who wants to just be a “boo thang” as you have been.  Sadly, that’s what hurts the most, since that may have been what you have always wanted, but who knew?  Definitely, not him.  Secondly, anyone that you have allowed to play such roles and take up your time will continue to do just that, but who has time to waste these days?  I spent at least a good year wasting time, but I feel that nothing is more valuable to me than my time, and it WILL not continue to be wasted.  So let me vocalize what I expect out of a person so my time will not be wasted on the wrong things and most definitely not the wrong people.  So you can hold auditions if you'd like, just make sure someone eventually gets the part or you will always have these potential shows but no syndication...maybe I'll elaborate on my shows later...it gets better...

The Best Is Yet To Come...

My first time REALLY blogging, so I won't give you all of the good stuff in one dose... I mean as the title goes, "The Best Is Yet To Come."  One of the first quotes I heard more than a few times at the start of the year was "Get out of your OWN way".  While some of you will read that line and be dumbfounded by the interpretation, its actually quite simple... stop hindering yourself from experiencing happiness.  While many of us blame randomness on why we can't be happy, one can only wonder what we can do ourselves to ensure that even the random stuff won't stop the show. 

I can name a few things I myself do to hinder my own happiness, but I'll admit, that it's an on going work in progress.  I decided the best way to approach getting out of my own way is to first start by blogging about my experiences.  ONE, because I know we could all use a good laugh, and TWO, because we can all learn from each other in some way shape or form.  So we will start 2014 off by thinking about the things we do to hinder us from being truly happy...my promise to myself is to be open and honest with everyone.  People seem to value my thoughts and opinion so it's the least I could do.

First step to being honest is admitting a flaw, a flaw that everyone knows your have, but you are not willing to admit...

My first admission...I joke about everything because its too much pressure and work to be serious about anything...a flaw in itself because soon others will always think you are a joke and never take you or your feelings seriously when you want them too...sort of like, laugh at my pain, but no not really... See, for me, joking is way of me getting my thoughts out without there having to be a disclaimer to tread lightly on my feelings...lets laugh about it rather than have a moment.  However, it seems like I need little less laughter and more "moments".  So I will attribute this year and time to being open to see what kind of results that yields...hopefully it won't out put too much of a damper on my comical sarcasm. 

Now that I have confessed something, what will you confess to yourself...you know...take the first step to becoming a better you...???