And Here it is Two Years Later...

So, after a long day of nothingness...meaningless Facebook posts, sharing countless memes, LUNCH...stuffing envelopes, 5 o'clock came...and then I got home.  I sat in my car as I do on MANY days.  Wanting to get out, but then not caring if I got out of my car or if I just sat there for 5 more minutes thinking.  Thinking that the best thinking I do, is in my car.  Although I live alone and spend a lot of time by myself, the more serene time for me is in my car.  It's even more serene when I am sitting in a parked car people watching, making up my own stories about people and their lives, and sometimes I devise a story for their pets, children, and friends as well.  I can't help but think that they are probably so much more interesting than me.  I guess.

So it's been 2 years since I've blogged and I think 5 years since I even started.  I keep coming back to it when I go through one of my stages.  I somehow hope that one day when I've written my last blog, that it will be a best seller for some and a how to for others, or a how NOT to, but it may be nothing and I am OK with that.  But I can't help but to think of what brought me back to my online diary in the first place.  Especially since the last 2 years since I have even visited, have come and gone, and to be honest, not much has changed.  I think that is the part that makes me the most disappointed and that's mainly my flaw in allowing it go on so long.  I've been just living life without even knowing how I should live my own life.  Living my life vicariously through others, scared to do the things I see other's doing because my history of disappointments.  Is this life?  The last time I even felt remotely the same was about 6 years ago, and I remember assessing my situation at the time and developing a new goal for myself, only to get to this day where I feel as if I haven't even begun to try and achieve it, so I sat back and thought, "What now, Ashellie?"

I've spent countless days and holidays waiting on that moment when my life would change or when I would do something really cool and things would take off..NOPE, nothing yet...I've watch other people's life completely change some for better, some for worse, and some who have said "for better or for worse," only to discover I put these immeasurable life events versus my own and it only made things worse.  It seems as if I expected things to happen in my life with little effort or at least because I felt it was time, whatever that time is.  It is enough to drive a person absolutely insane.  The only reason I haven't lost what little sanity I have is because I still have hope that I will figure it out.  Even at 30 something, I still have no plans for my life because I am not even sure of what I want or need. Someone could ask me what I want to do and my answer would be "I don't know...I just want to make a lot of money, travel the world, and live life," but that still screams absolutely nothing because I still haven't answered the question.

I have this idea of what I should be doing which is having some type of family, coming home to a house where my suitcase is not in the middle of the floor and to the company of someone I absolutely adore, and the thought makes me feel so optimistic for the joy of cliche life, yet I can't even see it being a realistic thought...even for myself.  It's like being lonely and hating it, but liking to be alone.  I enjoy the confines of my home when I have absolutely nothing to do, but then when told "...You can do that, because you don't have a family to worry about..." it makes me rethink whether or not I like the solitary confinement that I call my current situation.  I love it but then I don't or maybe I don't know.  The hardest part of it all is not knowing, but having someone point out what they think is your flaw.  It kind of keeps you in that limbo where you don't know what you do or don't want, because everyone is telling you what you should have.

When I relocated myself, the idea was not to be the person that stayed at home all the time, although that is the type of person I am.  The idea was to find the life I am supposed to have, whatever that may be.  It, in return, has made me the most disappointed because I haven't achieved all that I think I should have.  Everything has been disappointing from the people to the "frineds" to the optimism that was that no longer
is. However, the moral in all this is still up for debate...The best I can do is continue to live life and find a hobby until I figure it out.

Top 5 Things Being A "Ride or Die Chic" Will NOT Get You...

So we hear the term all the time, "Ride or Die Chic", a modern day way to say "...be the Bonnie to your Clyde", be "ready for whatever", or be prepared to suffer through any and every trial and tribulation with your man, husband, boo, boyfriend, and/or significant other.  What they don't tell you about this role, is the things it does not get you.

As a woman, I tend to think that most women think like me, however, I know that most women are not blessed with a sinister and sarcastic mind.  The Lord, blessed everyone to be an individual, BUT, I do know that when it comes down to love, when it's real, or at least when we think it's real, we love hard.  We love hard, because we want our significant other to know, we will do whatever it takes to make our love work. Why?  Because being in love, feeling loved, making love...It all feels good...

With that being said, sometimes we tend to love the "Mr. Wrongs", the "Not Quite Ready(s)", or the "Needs a Little Work".  The ones that don't have their life together in some way, shape, or form.  Realistically, a lot of us don't, and sometimes when we are in the mood to love, be loved, feel loved, make love, or CONTINUE to love, we will continue to love and nurture these types of men, because we can relate to their inability to get their life in order or handle certain situations.  In a lot of ways, we see ways we can help them, better them, and watch them grow into the man we need hoping that they will appreciate all that we've done and continue to love and handle us the way we need to be handled.  We will do a whole ton for someone and expect little to nothing in return all for the sake of love.  

What I have come to realize is that these type of men do not need just any ordinary type of woman, they need a "Ride or Die Chic", although I have never known why.  They need a chic who is willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy, whether it be lie, cheat, steal, take a charge, or whatever.  They need a chic they feel they can trust, yet still break all the rules and have little to know standards when it comes to loving them.  They need a Bonnie, while they are out trying to be Clyde.  What they don't tell you is what being this type chic will NOT afford you.

The top 5 things it will NOT get you:

1. A good man.  If you have to do any of the above things for a man to prove you're worthy of his love and trust, he's probably not the man for you.  First, ask yourself why is he the person he is or how did he get to where he is today?  Once you answer that, you will probably understand why no one else wanted to put up with him.

2. A committed man.  The reason being a "Ride or Die Chic" will not get you a committed man is because once they see you will do anything for them when they have probably done virtually nothing for you or shown little to now effort, they will continue to test the water.  Nine times out of ten, you will stay with them and weather a dozen storms because you don't want all your hard work to be wasted or spent on another woman and you damn sure don't want another woman to reap the benefits of your hard work or the fruits of your labor.  They will continue to test the water until you put your foot down...then they will test it again...hopefully after dozen times, if not sooner...you're gone...then all he's learned is how to commit to someone else or an even bigger fool.

3.  A grown man.  This works in conjunction with #1 and #2, but being that chic will not get you a man who can show you the what it's like to be with a grown man, why?  Revisit the previous.  Long story short, if they haven't mastered at least that much, you can't expect too much else.  

4. A ring.  Beyonce said "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it..." and if you revisit a lot of your modern day relationships in which "riding or dying" was necessary (just tune into reality tv...I know it's not a reliable source, but it's still a source), you will see that being THAT chic has done nothing but create a band of bitter exes, baby mamas, angry black women, and not one marriage.  Hell, look at Jim and Chrissy...(love them but still...well she got a ring, gave it back, got it again, but it still hasn't served it's purpose so whatever).

Last but not least, being a "Ride or Die Chic" will not get you...

5. A man that will "Ride or Die" for you.  You'll find yourself doing all these things for a someone you love, and then think about all the things that they have yet to show you like love, trust, honesty, improvement, or any type of effort.  Why?  Because they are busy sucking you dry.  

To sum things up, if a man has the desire, the need, or the nerve to state he wants a "Ride or Die Chic", what he wants is someone who will put up with all his BS.  Someone who will play the role of his mama, in a sense (the only things you've done different other than NOT breast feed him, was be intimate).  Do any and everything for him, while he enjoys it, does little to nothing, and gets by.  You'll feed them, dress them, help them with homework or job applications, while they stay current on all sports events, hunting activities, and clothing trends.  They will allow you to mold them to be the man you want them to be, and then leave you to be the man someone else needs.  They'll never learn to do anything on their own like use a computer or figure out that paper job applications are a thing of the past because when times get tough, that "Ride or Die Chic" that once was, is still waiting off to the side where he left her, ready and willing to help him out, which is precisely why he wanted a woman of her kind in the first place.  You'd go through hell and high water for him and he won't even come off the porch or cross the street for you.  

Being THAT type of chic, never afforded any woman anything, and the only reason a man would want a "Ride or Die Chic" is because a REAL WOMAN is too grown, too mature, and too classy for that title. A REAL WOMAN doesn't want that type of man, and most importantly, a REAL woman, doesn't want that type of liability because he can't add to her assets.  That's why they want that chic, but being that chic won't get you anywhere, anything, or anyone.  

Exes and Oh No(s)

So I thought I was going to become a religious blogger, and instead I've become a "seasonal" blogger. However, I classify those seasons not as winter, summer, spring, or fall, but yet, in the terms of relationships. For my safety, I won't name them, but in reality, I just don't do any free publicity when it comes to my blogs. For the most part, if you know me, when I reference certain things they say and do, you almost always know who I am talking about.

I don't think I have done a real blog spot since moving back home, and with all due respect, I thought I'd be more dedicated now that I was back in "podunk" Valdookie.  However, for the sake of passing time, and developing new material and better yet, new stories for my blog, the Good Lord saw fit to teach me another valuable lesson before I revisited another blog to rant and/or rave about my grievances with my "Exes" and "Oh-No(s)" (get it?  X's and O's?  anywho...).  

Anyway, I thought it was fate that dropped #1 back into my bubble when I came home, I mean everything ironically fell into place.  It's like I said, spoke, or thought of him or his name at least 3 times, only for him to actually show up...baggage and all.  What I have learned that in this day and age, us women, unfortunately, have all determined that we all end up with someone with some type of baggage, especially those of us who don't have any bags to add to the mix.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We have come to accept that not everyone lived boring less dramatic lives like us without leaving some type of proof behind.  Truth is, our lives have probably been just as dramatic and in some instances, traumatic, and instead of the baggage (children, and such), we bring back the walls, the judgement, the doubt, the fear, the inability to trust, the inability to love, inability to think, and the inability move on, and I could probably go on, but you see where I am going with this.  We can bring just as much intangible baggage as the next person that has the baggage we can actually see.

Well I said all that to basically say, upon allowing fate to trick me again, I spent a good 4-5 months of my life with someone that I realized that after 6 years and a decade of on again-off again cycles, nothing, zilch, nada, ZERO has changed.  Same man, same baggage, different year.  I know I have blogged a lot about not "revisiting" the past, but just like anyone else, you have to respect the fact that I am still human and I will still do what I want until I get tired of learning the same lesson.  This was one of those lessons.  Believe me, it left me drained, but to finally get fed up and endure things to the point where I could honestly say, "I will never ever do this with YOU in any capacity again."  I'd say the lesson was worth it.  I think that what "fate" was trying to teach me upon moving home, is not to be thrown off by the passage of time, realize that nothing and no one has changed in your absence, and not focus your time or energy on the past.  It gave me closure on something, although it took me few months. It did teach me something that I already knew, which was to leave the past in the past, and allow the season to change, as does time, because those are
about the only things that are constant (meaning the change in time and seasons are consistent).  People on the other hand, the only thing constant about them, is that nothing has changed at all.

S-I-N-G-L-E-L-I-F-E: Do You Know What That Means?

S-I-N-G-L-E-L-I-F-E coincides with I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.  If you scream one or the other too loud, you will get one or the other in return.  When you're single, you learn to be independent, and when you're independent, you somehow find yourself, single, especially if you are a woman.

You see someone like myself, single, although some may beg to differ, but mentally, I am very much single, I like to be independent.  It doesn't necessarily mean that I cannot be dependent on someone else, but often times than not, I find myself, let down or disappointed in someone that I thought I could depend on.  If not that, the one that I thought I could depend on, usually depends on me.  So some time in my life, I feel like I should be able to find a happy medium in someone.  I think.

What's funny is, when people meet someone so independent and single like myself, they ask the cliche question of "Why?".  A part of me wants to scream that if you have to ask why, you probably wouldn't understand.  Matter of fact, why ask why?  I mean if I am single and you are trying to get to know me, what difference does it make if I am single?  Wait, perhaps if I tell you I am single because I killed my ex, then I could understand why you asked, but if all is still well, be glad I am entertaining you.  Asking someone why are they single is like opening the door to the past and the past stories a lot of men claim they don't want to know about, especially on the first encounter.

Women, have you noticed that if you don't ask a man whether or not he is single, he will either lie about it anyway or not disclose that information unless you ask.  Otherwise, whether you are single are not, unless you ask them, they won't tell.  Something like "don't ask don't tell..." but I digress.

If  we are as beautiful as we look and as witty as we seem, men are either intimidated by it or they like it.  Many of the single women in my position don't choose to be single, but would love for someone to understand who they are and what their standards are.  I am not saying that everyone should be in some type of relationship, but when you are single, smart, beautiful, and in some cases, childless, it makes you more of a risk to men than you think because they almost think you are crazy or that something is wrong with you.  In my experience, get to know the men and after a few months, you will find out what's really wrong...with them.  I wear my "single" badge proudly, but I don't always compliment it or drown it out with my independence and self reliance, a lot of us don't.  I guess when men can see that you are independent, they misunderstand the entire situation.  It be like that sometimes...when you're living single... :-) 

Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole...

So it's been a hot minute since I have blogged about anything worth telling the whole world about, but not too much has transpired in that time, just a lot of learning in progress.  So the title goes, "Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole".  If you have any sense of where I'm going, then you can kind of figure out where I am going with this.

There will come a time when you realize that your life is like a puzzle.  You will try out a whole bunch of pieces to see what fits into place and what will not go.  The key to it all, is trying not to force a piece that doesn't belong.  A lot of us find ourselves doing that from time to time.  Whether it's trying to "turn a hoe into a housewife" or trying to "turn a thug or a scrub into Cliff Huxtable", some things just are meant to be.

In our lifetime, we waste our time, money, and air space on people who are just not worth any of it.  Love can overshadow that and cause us to put all of our energy into something or someone who doesn't see your effort of recognize your love as such.  They will drain you by taking advantage and change your entire perspective on love, life, and relationships.  That is a lot of power or control for someone so insignificant to have in your life.  Sometimes, they will realize what they have done, the pain they have caused, and the problems they have left unresolved, but what you will find is that these things are not worth resolving with someone who has already wasted your time.

All that in laments terms means, "why in the hell do we waste our time on selfish, sorry, busted individuals all in the name of love?"  Why?  Why?  WHY?  A lot of us think they have super natural (human) powers and that you can change or transform someone into the ideal friend, mate, lover, etc, when realistically, I have learned, that the only difference between someone at one age and another (i.e. 17 and 27) is simply the time that lapse in between.  Some may call me wrong, but if someone shows you how they are at one point, then chances are, years later, they are still the same person and the only thing that may be subject to change is their income (or lack there of), number of friends (or lack there of), and the number of kids (and baby daddies/mamas) they have.  Their personalities, character, and attitudes, however, are still the same.  They just got more experience in being even more wrong then they were before.

The moral to the story, you can't help anyone who doesn't want your help.  The only thing that can change is you letting them see that they have not broken you and they no longer have the control or their will in your life anymore.  The best revenge, of course, is being successful while they still maintain their ways.  All that will get them is what it has gotten them in the past, NOTHING, NO ONE, and they will go NOWHERE.   Let the people on their level have them.  That's the best gift you can give anyone undeserving of your goodness, your good deeds, your graciousness, and more importantly, your good heart.

Gone for a minute...

So I have been gone for a minute, but I got a brief wind of inspiration (when one of my followers advised me that they were missing my stories).  A lot of my stories stem from my personal experiences and I sometimes have to get to a point where I am ready to let the world know of my mistakes.  I preached on so much when it comes to relationships, being single, etc. and I am a little embarrassed by the most recent story, but hey, like to hear it? Hear it goes...

I reconnected with an old friend after 10 years.  Why in the world did I do that?  You'd think that after 10 years, most people would have progressed from 17 to 27.  I was so wrong.  Of course, the plight of the black woman would be claim independence and state your position with a man after being single for so long (i.e. must not have kids, debt, drama, etc.).  The problem is, finding a black man of that caliber is almost non-existent.  I know, that's sad.  So being that this "old friend" had 2 of the 3 issues, the next plight of the black woman is to negotiate her standards because some men can function despite their personal problems or trials.  When a man can juggle his past life (kids, baby mama, etc.) with his new life, new girlfriend, no kids, etc, that can be extremely flattering to us women.  But when you can't even juggle the combination you've now accepted, it becomes a huge problem and an emotional roller coaster.

It begins with "I need me a good woman...I'm ready."  Me being the flexible person that I am, despite the pickings of men we all think are available, I tried my best to make things work.  Now I work, have no kids, and I live in another town, but I was making time to make things right because I care just that much.  When it's your turn, the set back is, "I got to see about my kids..." "Can't leave town because of probation..." "Got to go to court because of child support..." Now, there is nothing wrong with that (Psych!!!!), but after 2 or 3 times of being put dead last to everything in your life (when you have no real life), I can only wonder if you really want what you think you're ready for, or are you just testing me and my patience to see how long I can deal before I lose my cool. 

Long story short, I never want a man to have choose between his girlfriend (wife) and kids, but as a single woman with no kids, how many times do I allow you to let me down with all your other issues on top of having KIDS, before I decide I've had enough.  Maybe as a single woman, I don't have the same obligations as you do, but I know we already sacrifice a lot to deal with others' baggage.  It just seems so unfair when you are not bringing any baggage into the situation.  I unpacked all my baggage only to make room for you, your baggage, and your U-haul truck of on going issues (child support, kids, PROBATION).  One has to wonder, how many standards of mine, did I really compromise? 

I realize that was a recipe that was never going to be flavorful or one with taste.  A recipe that no one would ever want seconds or thirds of.  After talking with a few sistas this weekend, apparently I am far from alone in my struggle.  Come to find out, many women have characterized this as "a sign of the times" or "the last days", if you will.  Is this really a for real, for real sign of the APOCALYPSE.  So I can't get one good man, boyfriend, husband, or start one family before the good Lord calls us all home? 

Reality check...

Better late than never...

So this strangest thing happened...I'm chilling over my friend's house when I get a call from a known but unknown number.  That means it came from a city I'm a very familiar with, a small city, but I was not sure what to expect or who to expect on the other end.  My younger cousin, Dee, greets me and tells to me to hold on someone wants to speak to me.  My cousin has the cutest baby I've ever seen and from time to time, she'll call to let her baby babble on the phone a couple of minutes with me, so I get ready to say "Hey DJ" when I hear a more mature voice instead.  A voice I knew all too well and haven't heard in almost 10 years.  I was a little caught of guard, but the way things ended between me and him, I wanted to hear what he had to say. 

So let me explain...I was 17 and the local club had teen nights during our school breaks.  I had just gotten out of a relationship with my first love (so I thought he was) so me and my friends decide to go hangout.  We end up having a good time, although I have never really been a clubber, but I enjoyed myself.  We also ended up meeting a group of guys, country boys, if you will, well dressed with that country slang that we love in the south.  I was quick with my guard because I was still tending an "open wound" and I really wasn't up for meeting any new people, but my best friend at the time convinced me to try and move on.  So we struck up a friendship with these guys and ultimately me and my friend both paired off with somebody.  I paired off with a popular basketball player, who was cute, funny, and just always kept me laughing.  He seemed to be just what I needed at the time.  We quickly became "friends" and I found myself risking punishment every weekend just to be in his presence.  I knew he was too good to be true, but I still went "all in" because I wanted it to work.  Ultimately, however, reality set in.  We were just kids, and he was too "wanted" to be with an average girl like me...I ended up hearing rumors that he was hanging out with other girls and all those nights he left me datelss began to make sense.  Within 6 months, my heart was broken again, and I found myself leaving for college hurt, depressed, and shocked. 

I mean, I made it through with the help of an unlikely friend, which is a WHOLE other blog, but I was still tending an open wound, because I never got closure.  I just cut things off amd we went our separate ways...OK I ended up in the arms of one of his cousins, by coincidence, definitely not out of spite, but I still had an open chapter in my book, that needed to be closed. 

Here we are, nearly 10 years later on the phone for the first time and his first words were, "I'm sorry."  I know, cliche, and even more, who cares, I mean 10 years have passed and a whole lot of other stuff has gone down since, me and him.  I tried not be standoffish and he soften me a little, but I'm still somewhat in shock that I am even blogging this today, because I never would have guessed it. 

I realized at the time that I loved him, but after 10 years, the grudge boat had defimitely sailed, I mean, WE WERE  KIDS.  I know somewhere there's sign that says "Proceed with Caution" but I definitely know that the apology had to happen for a reason.  That old saying "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone".  No truer words have ever been spoken.  This whole thing taught me that despite any ulterior motive he may have (he's got to have one, I'm not dumb or am I overreacting?), but any who, I learned that I went through a lot of things in those 10 years and all of that has afforded me the strength  and ability to forgive DESPITE the circumstances.  If I didn't take anything away from that apology, I took that.  That alone is enough to justify everything I been through worth the while.  Another stitch in my heart is healed until next time....